Teacher Gets Fired for Doing a Cheer Routine in Class
Excuse me. That said 'Human titties'.

Posted on:
10/12/2007 9:37pm

Iraqi Protest Leads to Participants Getting Shot by Police
Do you all promise to write something stupid after me, please?

Posted on:
04/01/2007 4:11am

Horrible Head On Collision Between a Motorcycle and Truck
I had a dummy when I was little. Well, littler than I am now. I wasn't particularly little at the time, but I was younger, and everything looks littler when you're younger.

Anyway, about this dummy: I had it, and I used it for quite a long time. Psychologists would like to say that it was a substitute for my mother, but then they'd have explain why it mostly tasted of orange juice or raspberry juice, and that's probably why they don't say it.

Now, this dummy I renamed 'Doofer', after Pluto, the Disney character, and my father said to me, "Derek," or whatever my name was at the time, "Derek," again, whatever my name was at the time (probably Derek, I can't remember), "Derek," he said, because that was my name, "Derek?"

"Yes, Daddy [Papa in Switzerland]," I cried.

"Derek!? Where are you? Derek!"

"Calm down, daddy, for Christ's sake! You'll give yourself an grand aneurismo, or mal, or whatever." I commanded.

"Don't you command me like that, you little bugger. Where are you? You'll get a right wallop up the bracket if I find you before you can run up the road to Mrs Wormhole's and hide in her telly," said Papa.

"I am going to remain silent, and you'll never find me," that was me saying that.

"Oh yeah?" him. "I'd like the see it," him again, obviously, because it's on the same line, see?

"Oh yeah!" me.

"Yeah?" me.

"I mean it," him.

"You reckon?" me.

"I most certainly do," him.

"Right, well, anyway, get your pyjamas on because your mother will be back soon, and, by the way, why don't you throw your Doofer away like a good boy. You're a big boy now and it's for little boys. Eh? What do you say?"

And that's how daddy threw away his Doofer and became a man.

Posted on:
04/01/2007 4:06am

Swedish Drunk Causing Trouble and Fighting
My Swedish isn't what it used to be, but it all came flooding back as soon as he started to cry out, "Bottle of Ludex! Bottle of Ludex!"

Why didn't they just give him his bottle of Ludex and go back into the bike shop? I reckon this is atypical of Swedish people, and he was probably having an off day and acting more Norwegian.

Posted on:
03/25/2007 9:17am

Joe Rogan Goes Off on a Stupid Feminist
Okay. Here's the coup d'eplume. I wouldn't want to be in a fight with Joe Longthorne either, but I would want to be in a fight with Joe Bugner.

I've never been able to work out why, then I read what Seal wrote about the nose. It suddenly came to me like a streak of bacon. Joe Longthorn and Joe Bugner are different, and I can hit who I want, because I'm very big and I have hands like that man who took Saddam Hussein's sandwiches off him just before they hanged him. Large, murderer's hands. That's just between you and me, though.

Posted on:
03/25/2007 9:05am

Reporter Chick Gets Owned by a Cat
Today I done a drawing of Allah.

Greeny? Did you say, "...intelliborg person..."?

It's easy to understand why someone may appear to you, a cat lover to boot, to be an intelliborg (knowing about Sanatogen Gold and the history of Turkish perverts - which goes back to the 6th century according to air-turkey.com) whilst he is actually Turkish and a complete cunt.

But you know, my darling, it is a lot easier to find out about Turkish perverts than you'd think, because Turkey is full of them and worryingly close to Europe.

Anyway, don't you torment your pretty little ankles and toes over Hakan.

He is jealous of the computer love that you and Sir Bashalot upload and down-pipe so freely and naturally through your Internets; whereinthesodoing (and 'sod' being the operative non sperma mando mando mando here) you experience the joys of being, what I imagine to be, two consecutive adults (you and Sir Winalot in that order) completely immersing yourself in the courtly love of 16th century Internet cockoutry.

In my opinion, this delightful flirtation Hakan witnesses here every three hours, in between snacks of Halloumi wrapped in cabbage laid upon a tomato quintessence, brought to his cage by a bearded lady called Mrs Bezlkuk in a flowery nylon dress and butcher's apron who purports to be his father (probably his mother if truth be told), and watching reruns of 'Ekmek teknesibekmek'.

What with him being Turkish and Turkey being a shithole and all that, it's not possible to say one way or the other if he is in fact a mummy's boy or if he's killed her and eaten her yet, and I wouldn't even try to do so, as I don't want to become the Big Chief UCF Garth Bane around here.

I suppose ‘boing’ could equally be the operative mando.

Posted on:
03/16/2007 7:44am

Asian Beauty Shows Off Her Assets
I do not agree with that at all.

Posted on:
03/14/2007 1:46am

Asian Beauty Shows Off Her Assets
Hark at the bongos on that!

No, but in all triage, this is what pisses me off about women. Why don't they get a bloody move on?

I didn't spend £850 putting my daughter through five years of dentist school so that she could spend her whole life rubbing sand into her bumhole and hanging off of a fence like some pot plant with tits, because I haven't got one.

Actually, come to think of it, as I do, I wouldn't even if I did. I mean, that's not why I'd do it. I'd want more for my him/her/daughter. If I had a him/her/daughter, I'd love it like it was a normal him/her.

I don't know how I'd cope with a him/her/son because I can't reconcile the idea of a human being with long hair and testicles. Still, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it won't we?

Posted on:
03/13/2007 12:20pm

How Girls With Bulimia See Themselves
I think I broke your machine.

Posted on:
03/11/2007 12:23pm

101 Year Old Woman Gets Punched and Mugged
"... stoop so low," eh? Cheeky old cow.

I've got a pinkish-red bicycle and I don't see why I should have to sit here and listen to this sort of abuse.

When I'm out gathering mushrooms over the park, or giving my nan a backie to the social club, stupid people shout out, "Oi! You on the pink bicycle! You there! You look like a big poof on that thing!"

But do you know what I do? I refuse to take that sort of rubbish, that's what I do. It's no use calling the Police; they just swab me, do a news conference and run out of funding for the investigation after three months. No, what I do is take the law into my own hands:

I say to them, "It's pinkish-red! Get some glasses, you big stupid!" I doubt very much they'll ever call me a poof again after that.

Posted on:
03/11/2007 12:12pm